So that is suppose to be the most important part of letting your body
recover, they say. But how can you sleep next to your 4 year old
daughter under going chemo @childrenshealth in Washington DC. How can
you sleep when the night you have the night shift, is the night she is
full of bountiful joyous energy. How can I tell her to go to sleep when
I want to be greedy and soak up the radiance, that is the smile of the
Warrior Princess. How can I close my eyes when the next moment she has
to rush to the bathroom because, she hasn't had a bowel movement in a
week cause of the chemo. How can I relax and be at complete ease when I
know that when its been a week that the moment she has "the break
through, it means your on high alert for diarrhea. NaS famously says to
us hip hop heads "sleep is the cousin of death", if you stop and think
about that, no place does that apply more than at a hospital.
Don't get me wrong I'm not trying to turn this into something morbid. But its a great metaphor because it signifies you have to have to be on your toes. You can't just go by the vitals, the side effects, the chemo treatments, the road map to recovery, all the info you read on the internet. At the end of the day you have to trust that you know your child well enough to convey to the nursing staff most importantly how she reacts in a normal circumstances. Its the easiest and most common reaction to want to snap at them. But in any hierarchy there is a pecking order; be it good, bad, or indifferent (as my mom famously repeats as if a mantra lol). But if you actually wade though the haze, that is for a lack of a better term crust in your eye. Its 3:00 am you lay down and try to let your mind rest, but is their rest for the weary? Does my daughter ever get to fully relax and rest through all of this? Or is her body continuously fighting even more so in her sleep.
Dreams..................................................................................................................................
What are her dreams like now that she has undergone all this trauma. If I wake up at night paranoid she might be gagging on her phlegm. Worry if i fall to far asleep I won't catch a symptom that could have major implications. Does she still dream of fairy tales and make believe lands? Has this experience cursed her into becoming more mature than she should have to be? Will she ever get to be a kid again? Or should she get use to being a childhood cancer survivor? If a tree falls in the forest was it because it couldn't withstand the chemo treatment? Does sharing my inner most thoughts make a difference? If it only helps me is it selfish or selfless? Did the hippies have it right by just wanting to be free and wanting to spread love? Isn't that what every charity foundation strive for? If your mission statement of your charity not about uplifting your target demographic does it serve a purpose? If I tried to go from DC to LA driving stopping at every children's hospital how many more "miracle" stories would I find? If I made the same drive and looked at into the darker rooms, would I find a child alone with a bare wall, and nothing but a soft glow of a tv reflecting across their face? If someone shares their story of having a family member having cancer, cancer survivor, cancer family member, does it hurt or help? If I always look down in the hospital for fear of seeing the look of dispare on a parents face, will I miss the one parent who is smiling. If I don't talk to the nurses would I have as much of an understanding about my daughter's conditions? If I wasn't slightly manic would I be as useful to Isabel? Does my mimicking the inspirational movie "La vita è bella" really work, or is it a hollywood facade? Why does the cage bird sing, because when your mind is free, you can go where ever it takes it? If you focus all your energy on giving back and being positive, can evil and negativity still defeat it? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop? The world may never know...........................
Thus concludes the questions that have run through my head through this process. I'd love to say that was the extent of it. But the creative mind is never at rest, for it wants to work harder and faster to help you try and answer the question, it before someone else raises their hands.
Don't get me wrong I'm not trying to turn this into something morbid. But its a great metaphor because it signifies you have to have to be on your toes. You can't just go by the vitals, the side effects, the chemo treatments, the road map to recovery, all the info you read on the internet. At the end of the day you have to trust that you know your child well enough to convey to the nursing staff most importantly how she reacts in a normal circumstances. Its the easiest and most common reaction to want to snap at them. But in any hierarchy there is a pecking order; be it good, bad, or indifferent (as my mom famously repeats as if a mantra lol). But if you actually wade though the haze, that is for a lack of a better term crust in your eye. Its 3:00 am you lay down and try to let your mind rest, but is their rest for the weary? Does my daughter ever get to fully relax and rest through all of this? Or is her body continuously fighting even more so in her sleep.
Dreams..................................................................................................................................
What are her dreams like now that she has undergone all this trauma. If I wake up at night paranoid she might be gagging on her phlegm. Worry if i fall to far asleep I won't catch a symptom that could have major implications. Does she still dream of fairy tales and make believe lands? Has this experience cursed her into becoming more mature than she should have to be? Will she ever get to be a kid again? Or should she get use to being a childhood cancer survivor? If a tree falls in the forest was it because it couldn't withstand the chemo treatment? Does sharing my inner most thoughts make a difference? If it only helps me is it selfish or selfless? Did the hippies have it right by just wanting to be free and wanting to spread love? Isn't that what every charity foundation strive for? If your mission statement of your charity not about uplifting your target demographic does it serve a purpose? If I tried to go from DC to LA driving stopping at every children's hospital how many more "miracle" stories would I find? If I made the same drive and looked at into the darker rooms, would I find a child alone with a bare wall, and nothing but a soft glow of a tv reflecting across their face? If someone shares their story of having a family member having cancer, cancer survivor, cancer family member, does it hurt or help? If I always look down in the hospital for fear of seeing the look of dispare on a parents face, will I miss the one parent who is smiling. If I don't talk to the nurses would I have as much of an understanding about my daughter's conditions? If I wasn't slightly manic would I be as useful to Isabel? Does my mimicking the inspirational movie "La vita è bella" really work, or is it a hollywood facade? Why does the cage bird sing, because when your mind is free, you can go where ever it takes it? If you focus all your energy on giving back and being positive, can evil and negativity still defeat it? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop? The world may never know...........................
Thus concludes the questions that have run through my head through this process. I'd love to say that was the extent of it. But the creative mind is never at rest, for it wants to work harder and faster to help you try and answer the question, it before someone else raises their hands.
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